the bigger person.

Growth is so essential to one’s character. We hear this often in our life, and when I look back at numerous situations, I think how greatly it impacted me or forced me to think another way. Is that a good thing or bad? Of course like everything else, it’s not so black and white.

I hate the phrase, “be the bigger person.” We are taught our ENTIRE life that relationships are 50/50 but quite frankly, the older I get I realize how untrue this statement is. Some days, some relationships will require more of you and that’s okay.  However, it’s damaging in a relationship when you’re ALWAYS the one running in overdrive or compensating for the other. It sets an exception where the other person can lack, because they know you’ll pick up the pieces. Consequently, what happens when the ‘bigger’ person has had enough?

When I cut people off, I don’t look back. No need to linger, although I’m all for healthy and hard conversations, with action items at the end of that discussion. You can’t keep discussing change but in reality not change – because again, growth. So as the bigger person, I’m repeatedly asked to give in first, or apologize first – which is fine most days but let me tell you what the problem with that is.

It’s insulting. It’s insulting to my growth. I have worked exceptionally hard to get to this point in my life and you keep robbing me of my emotions. It’s insulting I have to think of other people’s emotions and mine are an afterthought. It’s insulting to constantly ask the person in over drive for more. It also allows the other party to NOT grow. If it is difficult for you to reach out first then you need to learn to move in spaces outside of your comfort zone. I’m comfortable (I use this term loosely) being the bigger person, but I too need to get out of my comfort zone. I had to digest some really hard lessons in life, on how my actions affect others and I might not have mastered it fully, but at least I am aware. I’m tired of  the world making excuses for the little people (pun intended) they’re basically being rewarded for being dormant. If the overdrive person continues to compensate for the other person, then how is the other person learning? How are they growing?

Relationships are indeed complicated, some days I sense the need to help people who don’t even ask for my help. Other days, I feel it’s not my job to always point out people’s shortcomings. And that’s the problem with always being the bigger person, you’re constantly feeding into others remaining stagnant. As one of my good friends would say, “it’s not that deep, Fatima.” But that’s just it. It is deep. Relationships are deep, or they should be anyway. If you like to remain on the shallow end, be my guest but it’s not my strong suit.

I can’t expect everyone to be aware nor be the bigger person, so don’t expect it from me either. I’d go the extra mile for those I love, but it’s exhausting to constantly run to a place that has no end point. It’s nice to have people who will grab the baton from you every once in awhile, so you can take a breather.

Therefore when someone asks, how much you put into a relationship, your response should be a 100. If someone isn’t providing that then walk away, run. Someone will catch up to you eventually.