chasing time.

We live in such a fast paced world. Meeting after meeting, coffee cup after coffee cup, one stop to another. I feel as if I never really get to relish in the moment. I’m eating breakfast, and I am already thinking about lunch (#fatkidprobs) but no seriously, because in my mind I am thinking will I even have time for lunch? I’m always thinking ahead, thinking about the time I have between point A and point B and what all can I get accomplished.

Someone recently told me it’s a practice to be present. And I am really awful at this practice. I’m pretty sure I was aware of that,  but they brought it to my full attention, and now it is all I can think about. I never really enjoy the moment, because I am already concerned about the next.

I have a good friend who has been coaching me on this practice lately, to be present, to live in the moment. But to be honest, its extremely difficult for me. Even though my emotions ultimately drive me, I tend to make a pro con list in my head before generating any [major] decision. I have to thoroughly think something through before I continue. By the time I need to make the decision, I’m either more confused than I was in the beginning or someone made the decision for me. Sadly, this happens to me often.

Looking back, I realized there were so many pivotal moments in my life I forgot to enjoy, because I was already onto the next goal. You always hear its about the journey not the destination, but then why do we put so much emphasis on the destination?

I’m always in limbo. For this ten minutes of happiness – is it worth a lifetime of regret? Okay yeah, I’m being a tad bit dramatic, but that is exactly how I form my thoughts when doing something, “reckless” as people would say. For those who know me, know that I am NOT a, “go with a flow” kinda girl. Complete opposite really, I need dates, times, instructions. I need a plan, a strategic plan. And if something doesn’t align with my vision, it throws me off. Also, I’ve always taken others in to consideration. How will my actions affect them? And when I say others, I mainly mean my parents, my family.

If you never live the life YOU have for yourself, than have you even lived? I’m starting to move slower. To stop and really savor things that bring me joy. The thing about the future is, it’s not promised and NO matter how much I try to plan my next move, something will always interject. I just have to realize that IS also a part of the process, the journey. The goal isn’t to only reach the destination but to fancy the pit stops too, even if it was never really part of the plan.