challenge accepted.

I often hear people say they want to be challenged in life, and then you challenge them and they cannot handle it. It is much like truth telling, everyone wants the truth, up until you actually give them the truth. I for one, always want to be challenged and I always want the truth.

Regularly I say how self aware I am. It is critical that in life we are mostly aware of our flaws but habits in general. Conversations or emotions can get extremely real if someone else is the one telling you about yourself. Now and again though we need someone to hold the mirror to us. Whether that be your partner in life, family, friends, whomever – but you need someone to occasionally hold the mirror and tell you like, “hey have you ever thought about it this way?” Or better yet be that person for yourself.

I am flawed, naturally but it is an everyday process to be able to look in the mirror and still love yourself. Love yourself to the point where you understand that self improvement is also a form of self care, self love. Self care isn’t always luxury but a mean for survival, and constantly working towards improving yourself is in addition to a form of self care.

I am not going to preach that it is 2018 and we need to focus on ourselves. The thing is, we should strive daily to focus on ourselves. To protect our worth, our successes our failures. Our alignment doesn’t have to be everyone else’s alignment but it paramount to recognize that healing and self care has no end point, no summation, no finish line. It is the act dedicating each day to finding yourself and loving yourself despite how cruel the world can be. One thing I have learned through my entire existence is the importance of perseverance, that in the face of true love – yourself, you don’t just give up – even if the world is urging otherwise.

January 7, 2018 0

endings.

As the year is ending, I can’t help but to think of all the things I gained this year, and just as importantly, lost. I hate the cliché, New Year, new me. I actually hate New Years all together, I have never fancied the holiday, I think it is entirely overrated and just an excuse for people to party and pretend that they don’t enter the new year with the same problems. Yes, I am THAT person.

Growth is essential at every turn of your life. Some people need Mondays, a new calendar year, or just a new morning, and that is fine, but my real question is – are you growing, are you evolving are you challenging yourself to change the things in your life that give you no joy?

I often see people be complacent in their life. I have done it too. With jobs, with living situations. I see it happen in marriages, relationships all too regularly. Why do we insist on torturing ourselves? Isn’t it a form of torture – to continue an act that literally is breaking us slowly?

I have stayed in toxic relationships a number of times, Mainly friends… people who disguise themselves as your friends but really do not value you or above all are not kind to you. Why do we allow people to be rude or make us feel bad? I have struggled with this my entire life. I see the good in people, and I give them the benefit of the doubt, that no they care about me, that is why they say things that way. But here’s the catch, you can challenge someone without being rude or ruthless. Recently, my closest friend has been challenging me to see the world differently. Constantly pushing me out my comfort zones, but in the gentlest way possible. Showing me how my patterns are actually quite harmful to myself because I continue let people and situations have space in my mind that do not need to be there.

If someone does not add value to your like then they are wasted space. If the friends or the people in your life do not challenge you with TACT, then they are bullies. If people are not kind to you, what is the point? The world is cruel place as it is, why allow people – who are supposed to be our pillars, be unkind? Growth is also realizing that you do not have to have the same friends you have always had if they do support you in your journey.

I do not think I value anything more than time. It is the only thing I can offer someone that truly is priceless. Where you spend your time as well speaks volumes about yourself. I always heard the company you keep is a reflection of your personality. So spending time with those who bring no value to your life, is truthfully a waste. How do you manage to rid people who are wasted space in your life?

I often ask this question to myself to help differentiate between people I want to invest in and where I want to spend my time – since I value it so highly, as one should. I read once, you’re nothing special if everyone has access to you. Spend your time wisely. Spend it with those who bring you comfort.

365 days. How did you spend it? 2017 was full of lows and highs, as every year is. It was complete of goals and failures. We must take time to nurture our minds, to turn those failures into lessons, to push ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. I am exceptionally grateful for the losses this year, it taught me to survive. Mental health and inner peace is the new success, the new goal. My focus for the New Year is to become solution oriented and not problem oriented. My focus will be to say No where my heart is not happy, no matter who it is. My focus will be to live a peaceful life even if that means it needs to be done in solitude. Leaving anything and everything behind that is toxic. Turning 30 this year was additionally a great reminder on – how do I want the next 30 years of my life to look?

Endings, or new beginnings? I suppose it all depends on how you look at it. Cheers 2018, I am so ready for you.

December 22, 2017 0

chasing time.

We live in such a fast paced world. Meeting after meeting, coffee cup after coffee cup, one stop to another. I feel as if I never really get to relish in the moment. I’m eating breakfast, and I am already thinking about lunch (#fatkidprobs) but no seriously, because in my mind I am thinking will I even have time for lunch? I’m always thinking ahead, thinking about the time I have between point A and point B and what all can I get accomplished.

Someone recently told me it’s a practice to be present. And I am really awful at this practice. I’m pretty sure I was aware of that, but they brought it to my full attention, and now it is all I can think about. I never really enjoy the moment, because I am already concerned about the next.

I have a good friend who has been coaching me on this practice lately, to be present, to live in the moment. But to be honest, its extremely difficult for me. Even though my emotions ultimately drive me, I tend to make a pro con list in my head before generating any [major] decision. I have to thoroughly think something through before I continue. By the time I need to make the decision, I’m either more confused than I was in the beginning or someone made the decision for me. Sadly, this happens to me often.

Looking back, I realized there were so many pivotal moments in my life I forgot to enjoy, because I was already onto the next goal. You always hear its about the journey not the destination, but then why do we put so much emphasis on the destination?

I’m always in limbo. For this ten minutes of happiness – is it worth a lifetime of regret? Okay yeah, I’m being a tad bit dramatic, but that is exactly how I form my thoughts when doing something, “reckless” as people would say. For those who know me, know that I am NOT a, “go with a flow” kinda girl. Complete opposite really, I need dates, times, instructions. I need a plan, a strategic plan. And if something doesn’t align with my vision, it throws me off. Also, I’ve always taken others in to consideration. How will my actions affect them? And when I say others, I mainly mean my parents, my family.

If you never live the life YOU have for yourself, than have you even lived? I’m starting to move slower. To stop and really savor things that bring me joy. The thing about the future is, it’s not promised and NO matter how much I try to plan my next move, something will always interject. I just have to realize that IS also a part of the process, the journey. The goal isn’t to only reach the destination but to fancy the pit stops too, even if it was never really part of the plan.

November 8, 2017 0

fine lines.

As I get older, I started to notice fine lines around my mouth and my forehead. I kept thinking, how did I get here? Fine lines represent different things – old age mainly, but perhaps I should dig deeper than anti aging products. My prominent frown lines come from all the scrunching my face does on a daily basis because of all the stupid remarks people say. My fine lines around my mouth are a representation of how much I’ve laughed over the years, and I should be proud of that – not try to reverse the process. But maybe I should be more concerned with fine lines that aren’t really visible, and the damaging effects those lines have on me.

Between love and commitment there is such a fine line. Between being vocal and crossing over to disrespect. Between wanting what your heart desires and keeping others happy. Between being a manager and a leader. Fine lines are everywhere in our lives – so very prominent, so very tricky, but not always so visible, and the smallest step can cross you over to the dark side.

I tend to tread carefully, it’s who I am. At times, I think I am actually rebellious, but then I am put in situations where I am on the verge of those fine lines and quickly realize I am not as rebellious as I think am. I am not afraid to be honest, but I am afraid I’ll hurt someone with my honesty. I’m not afraid to make big moves, but I am afraid how those moves will effect me mentally. I’m strategic with most of my accords, even though I have A LOT of emotion, I start to think of all the pros and cons before making that decision. It usually is a battle between logic, rationale, and how I feel/what I want.

Fine lines represent courage. It forces you to be fearless. Whether its for your job, friendships.. relationships – you have to be brave and embrace the path that can change your entire life. If you always tread carefully on those fine lines, you’ll never know what is on the other side of fear. It could be love, an amazing business venture – and yes you’ll lose money at first, but its exciting, and thrilling, and the experiences are endless. I once read, fortune comes to those that are brave. It has resonated with me since. In order to get what you truly want, you can’t allow yourself to be complacent even if that decision scares the shit out of you.

So yes, fine lines can be alarming and extremely intimidating, but they also portray progression, and progression is the key to a rewarding life.

May the space between where I am and where I want to be, inspire me.

October 25, 2017 0

30 reasons why

As I begin to reflect on the last decade of my life, I can’t help but to think of the lessons life has taught me. Some lessons I genuinely feel I could have lived without, but that’s the thing about tests – every so often, they come unannounced and it’s not about the preparation necessarily but how we manage the test itself.

I have a deep fondness for failing. Odd sure, but It makes me stronger. I come back ten folds. My 20’s were a collection of failures. Losses. Things I couldn’t control – that I so desperately wanted to control, but as I entered my late 20’s, I started to recognize that it was never about the failures or losses so much, but how I handled them. You hear this time and again, but it never really resonates until you’re put in a situation where all you have is blind faith, and that blind faith is the only element that can guide you in the darkness.

In your 20’s you’re a slave to your dreams, and can also feel bounded to the hopes and expectations your family has for you too, and then there is regret. The old servants of regret, linger – oh how they linger. My 20’s were emotional. High strung – even more than my teenage years (just imagine.) The beauty about 29, was I found myself calming down. Not being a slave to my dreams or expectations but simply understanding what it meant to relish in the moment and to accept what life had presented to me. To not let the hopes of my family weigh unusually heavy on me. To not let the servants of regret linger. It takes a different kind of strength to combat such emotions, and I don’t think it’s something that can be taught or something I have conquered by any means – but it is extremely empowering having more control of your emotions, over your thoughts and more specifically being able to distinguish between the two.

In honor of my 30th tomorrow, here are 30 life lessons that I value so deeply:

Self love is the beginning to EVERYTHING.
You can’t MAKE anyone love/like you. Whether it be family, friends, or a potential significant other. You have to accept that people are entitled to their own emotions.
Don’t try so hard to get people to like you. I learned this lesson early on but still struggle at times. All that matters if YOU like yourself.
Loving your parents doesn’t mean you have to listen to everything they say.
Not listening to your parents – doesn’t mean you love them any less.
THE ONLY PERSON ENTITLED TO MY TIME IS ME.
THE ONLY PERSON ENTITLED TO MY TIME IS ME. (One more time, in case you missed that)
No is a full sentence. You do not have to explain anything to anyone.
It is okay to keep your opinions to yourself. (This has been my biggest lesson this year, I have to tell myself constantly, “it’s not that deep, Fatima)
No need to overshare your life to paint this perfect picture.
It is [very] OKAY to be different.
You do not have to be present for everything. You will miss out on some events and that is okay.
Mental health is JUST as important as your physical health.
You have to let go of mental attachments. (The bane to my existence – I tend to get mentally attached, because I am naturally an over-thinker – but it is extremely important to allow yourself to surrender to what is vs. what you want.)
It is okay to cry.
Healing has no end point, no summation, no finish line. Its the act of dedicating each day to finding yourself and loving yourself, despite how cruel the world can be.
Being self-aware. Be familiar with all your flaws. Be so enlightened, that no one can ever say, “you’re like this..” and be shocked.
Truly understanding that physical beauty is temporary.
Know the difference between poisons that can blind you and the poisons that can open your eyes.
Compassion is the root to a joyful heart.
Never settle.
If you aren’t passionate about something, you’re not living your life right.
Change is significant to growth. Never allow yourself to get complacent.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Being able to adapt will take you far.
Follow your arrow. The best gift you can give yourself is a lifetime of adventures.
You aren’t entitled to anything in this world.
Stand up for those who don’t have voices.
Be your own hero.
Be kind to yourself, FIRST and ALWAYS.
My favorite, most humbling reminder: What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. And what isn’t meant for you, won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips.

Thank you 20’s, you were absolutely ruthless but the most incredible teacher I could have asked for. Thrilled for what my 30’s will propose.

Alhumdulliah always.

September 25, 2017 4

i don’t mind.

We hear the phrase, ‘be mindful of others’ regularly. Especially with social media consuming our lives, we consistently hear people say, ‘pay attention to your surroundings, be present, be aware, be mindful.’

Growing up, my parents really wanted to embed mindfulness in to us kids. To be quite honest, it’s all they cared about. If we were sitting and someone (mainly elder) was standing, we should be mindful and offer our seat. If someone came to visit, I should be mindful and offer water, or chai. If someone was complaining about a situation we should be mindful and offer help. To constantly be aware of others needs. Growing up, my sister would jokingly refer to our mother as a social worker. Despite having three kids, she took on tasks for people like it was her job. Both my parents really. They were so kind to open their doors and have people stay if they ever needed a room or food. Literally anyone could call my parents for help, and you’d never hear a no. Never.

I am truly grateful to have witnessed such kind, extremely giving, and mindful parents. They not only taught us to be respectful to others but to always show compassion to those in need. And they really taught us to be attentive to not only others’ experiences but their feelings especially.

Desis are ALL about emotions. I mean just watch any Bollywood movie and see how we like to pull at peoples heart strings with emotional blackmail… err situations. Being mindful isn’t a dreadful thing. It’s a wonderful attribute but is there such a thing to be too mindful? I genuinely don’t think I have EVER made a life altering decision without listing the pro’s and con’s of how OTHERS might feel (and when I say others, I mainly mean my parents.) Sure, I’ve been selfish and did things I wanted but I also drove myself pretty crazy up until I made that decision.

I find my mindfulness has spread to other areas of my life. With friendships, with work. I have a hard time saying ‘No.’ Because, again my parents taught us to always be mindful of people’s feelings. I don’t quite know how my parents provided for three kids and were able to take on more than their share – because I find myself struggling. On one hand I want to be able to make everyone around me ‘happy’ (I say happy but I know it’s nearly impossible to make everyone happy – a general consensus if you will) but on the other hand it can take a huge toll on one’s sanity.

My friends who are amazing wives struggle between what their husbands want, what her parents want, and what her in-laws expect from her. She’s busy in her own life and of course has a voice but is also extremely mindful of keeping the harmony. I often listen to their struggles, pause and ask, “and what do you want?” The most daunting question of all time. We’re so wrapped up in trying to balance the beam. I truly believe they forget what they even want to begin with. I don’t want to make the bold statement that more often than not, women are asked to be more mindful than men, but in this case I’ll say it.

I once read a story that really resonated with me for many different reasons. A couple gets married and they make a pact for the first couple of weeks they won’t let anyone bother them no matter what. The guys parents come and they ask each other do we let them in and break the pact? The guy says it’ll be okay, they’ll be fine. The following week the girl’s parents are at the door. And of course not wanting to break the pact she convinces herself that it’s okay, they’ll understand. After a couple of minutes, she can’t take it, she tells her husband we should let them in, what if it’s something important? She opens the door. Fast forward a couple of years they have a son and then a girl. On the arrival of their daughter, the husband began to cry and the wife jokingly asked why are you crying? And he replied, “because the one who’s going to open the door for us, is here.”

I know plenty of guys who are mindful. I know plenty of women who are not. But there is something about this story that really resonates with me. The girl felt so many emotions upon opening that door. Firstly, to not want to disappoint her husband if she did open the door or feel guilty if she didn’t open the door for her parents. I often find myself at a similar crossroad. When my co workers say no to my boss for an extra task, I start to think of the all reasons why I should take the task. Mindfulness. It pops up everywhere.

For once, I’d like to be mindless. To solely make a decision based on my needs, only. We often spend our adult life fixing what our childhood broke and I’m not sure which part is more broken now.

My parents raised humanitarians, and as grateful as I am to them, I’m also upset they set me up for failure for my own sanity. The world wasn’t raised the same. The guilt that consumes me when I don’t fulfill a task that’s asked of me, will be the death of me. Many would say, this is a personal problem, and that’s feasible. Nevertheless, how is one to turn off being mindful? That’s just it though, there is nothing noble about not giving grace. It could be I’ve been on the right side all along, although for the sake of my sanity (and others like me) it’s time to fathom that No is a full a sentence and completely okay to use every once and awhile.

I do mind.

August 4, 2017 0

the bigger person.

Growth is so essential to one’s character. We hear this often in our life, and when I look back at numerous situations, I think how greatly it impacted me or forced me to think another way. Is that a good thing or bad? Of course like everything else, it’s not so black and white.

I hate the phrase, “be the bigger person.” We are taught our ENTIRE life that relationships are 50/50 but quite frankly, the older I get I realize how untrue this statement is. Some days, some relationships will require more of you and that’s okay. However, it’s damaging in a relationship when you’re ALWAYS the one running in overdrive or compensating for the other. It sets an exception where the other person can lack, because they know you’ll pick up the pieces. Consequently, what happens when the ‘bigger’ person has had enough?

When I cut people off, I don’t look back. No need to linger, although I’m all for healthy and hard conversations, with action items at the end of that discussion. You can’t keep discussing change but in reality not change – because again, growth. So as the bigger person, I’m repeatedly asked to give in first, or apologize first – which is fine most days but let me tell you what the problem with that is.

It’s insulting. It’s insulting to my growth. I have worked exceptionally hard to get to this point in my life and you keep robbing me of my emotions. It’s insulting I have to think of other people’s emotions and mine are an afterthought. It’s insulting to constantly ask the person in over drive for more. It also allows the other party to NOT grow. If it is difficult for you to reach out first then you need to learn to move in spaces outside of your comfort zone. I’m comfortable (I use this term loosely) being the bigger person, but I too need to get out of my comfort zone. I had to digest some really hard lessons in life, on how my actions affect others and I might not have mastered it fully, but at least I am aware. I’m tired of the world making excuses for the little people (pun intended) they’re basically being rewarded for being dormant. If the overdrive person continues to compensate for the other person, then how is the other person learning? How are they growing?

Relationships are indeed complicated, some days I sense the need to help people who don’t even ask for my help. Other days, I feel it’s not my job to always point out people’s shortcomings. And that’s the problem with always being the bigger person, you’re constantly feeding into others remaining stagnant. As one of my good friends would say, “it’s not that deep, Fatima.” But that’s just it. It is deep. Relationships are deep, or they should be anyway. If you like to remain on the shallow end, be my guest but it’s not my strong suit.

I can’t expect everyone to be aware nor be the bigger person, so don’t expect it from me either. I’d go the extra mile for those I love, but it’s exhausting to constantly run to a place that has no end point. It’s nice to have people who will grab the baton from you every once in awhile, so you can take a breather.

Therefore when someone asks, how much you put into a relationship, your response should be a 100. If someone isn’t providing that then walk away, run. Someone will catch up to you eventually.

August 2, 2017 1

QTDNA: questions that don’t need answers.

This blog post comes from an extremely vulnerable place, and I give this topic a lot of thought – unintentionally mostly and some days intentionally. Perhaps, with wedding season in full effect or the fact I will be turning 30 this year, everyone has one burning question for me, “so when are you getting married?” And although, MOST of the time I think it comes from a good place, lets talk about WHY this question is heartless and others like it.

First off, why things aren’t happening in someone’s life, such as, “you’ve been married for one year, now it’s time for children,” is NOT your concern. Then after one has their first child, it instantly becomes about having your second… “what are you waiting for?” Basically the questions never end. People have already jumped onto the next hurdle and you’re still trying to relish in the first one.

Is there a race I am unaware of? What do we get if we cross the finish line the fastest? And it’s not just annoying aunties anymore, in fact it seems to me EVERYONE is extremely curious. Married friends and family members who just can’t seem to understand why you aren’t leaping to the finish line. I’m not even going to talk about the turtle and the hare, because we all know the cliche story, but in this case, is anyone really winning if they cross the finish line the quickest?

Listen, getting married isn’t the issue, or you reminding me that I am single. Yes, I am single and despite my disposition on marriage, when you bring up such topics with people, it can feed some undesired emotion that you didn’t even know existed. Especially with bearing children, or anything really. You have NO idea how bad this person might want the exact thing you are suggesting, and to brutally remind them of their struggles is not okay.

I’m a secure person. Certain comments always throw me off such as, “but you’re so pretty how are you single?” This is NOT a compliment by any means. We are ALL well aware (I hope) that finding a partner has nothing to do with your looks, and to normalize this in any way, speaks volumes about our society.

Let’s take this thought a little deeper. I often have really close friends or family members say, “you’re so amazing, how is that you haven’t found someone?” This is a nice claim, but let me tell what’s wrong with it. You hear it so much you truthfully start to think, “damn I am amazing why am I single? Essentially, what the world is telling you is, “you have to be doing something wrong.” But that’s just it, relationships are not that black and white, nor is the process that simple. We’re so used to delivering cliche remarks, I honestly think people don’t even comprehend how these statements can resonate.

My mother always says, “tume apne bare mein, badi galth famiyan hain,” a famous urdu saying which translates to, “you have A LOT of misconceptions about yourself.” Basically, I ain’t shit (thank you Ruby for always keeping me humble, it is SO NEEDED.) And that’s my problem with those sorts of compliments, it cultivates this idea that we DESERVE a significant other. Look, we don’t deserve anything, you have to work hard at anything and everything you want or need in this life, and that is especially true with people. Also, because I know some really horrible people married, so personality does not dictate whether or not you get married, it’s determined by MANY other factors, clearly.

Additionally, there are those who give their unwarranted advice. Now advice can be fundamental, but to start off with accusatory remarks such as, ‘don’t be so picky, be open minded’ or ‘just be straight-forward and approach the guy yourself’ are not intelligent ways to grab my attention. In my mind I’m thinking, have you met me?? Do I need to spell it out for the guy… but that is an entirely different topic altogether.

My favorite remark thus far has been, “you’re too strong willed.” (insert eye roll emoji.) To blame the very person of why something isn’t happening, is telling the person – ‘its your own fault.’ Don’t get me wrong, I am self aware of all my faults and I am all for constructive criticism but for all one knows, that person has tried everything in their power, and you think you’re being helpful by offering unsolicited opinions? It’s cruel to be honest. In order to be an effective communicator you must embody empathy, and as a human race, we seem to be losing that daily.

I love those who advocate for marriage. They get all cliche on me and say, oh it’ll happen when you least expect it. I’m sorry, are you telling me you didn’t know you were going decide a huge life factor and it *gasps* just happened? You’re trying to tell me that you put no effort or time into something SO monumental, as society teaches us… and it just happened? That entire proposal you elaborated on instagram just happened? Please, stop with this carefree facade. Its demeaning. Relationships are meaningful and they don’t JUST HAPPEN. They take time and patience and sure, for some it is through family and the time is put in differently, but it doesn’t JUST HAPPEN. This a very careful thought out act. I for one, put thought into EVERYTHING I do, and even if meeting someone is the unexpected part, everything that follows is CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT. So please stop telling single folk, it just happened – I know what you mean, I do, but it is not the same thing, and we have stop perpetuating these false concepts.

If you are not ready to have an in depth conversation about the PROCESS, then don’t proceed with unnecessary suggestions or comments. It is not small talk, it is literally stupid talk. No, I am not bitter, nor am I sad that my timeline hasn’t aligned with your expectations. I have no desire to constantly indulge in the reality that is MY LIFE, I do that enough with my mother, thanks. I am already quite aware what is and isn’t my life.

SO PLEASE STOP:

Asking my married friends why they aren’t having children. (Or why they aren’t as eager as YOU are for their second.)

Telling people what they MIGHT be doing wrong in finding a significant other.

Inquiring about why someone didn’t finish or start med school (God forbid someone doesn’t want to be a doctor.)

Reminding people (or in this case specifically, me) that they are single.

Maybe, just maybe we prefer it that way and if they don’t maybe they have blind faith, that when it supposed to happen, it will. I’ll leave you with my favorite hadith because it is reminder to us all to be sensitive to others and their personal lives:

“Know that if the whole community were to gather together to benefit you with anything, it would benefit you only with something that Allah had already prescribed for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”

July 21, 2017 4

accessing accounts.

There a different departments in our life and some openly talk about it, and others keep certain matters private, and in a world where we feel the need to share everything, I understand the need to lay low. But there is a liability to our actions that should be discussed.

Everyone defines friendship differently and quite frankly that is okay, but what I am not okay with is people enabling me or vice versa. We have financial advisers to help us with our investments, savings, and retirement to hold us ACCOUNTABLE (or is that just me now because I’m finally adulting.) We hire trainers and/or nutritionists to guide us through the process of getting healthier. We have apps to tell us how much we slept, how many calories we burned, how many steps we’ve taken in a day – I could go on, but you get the point. It all goes back to accountability, we ultimately want to be responsible for our actions. SO in what sane world would I want a group of friends who indulge me and not push me to grow?

It is simple. Openly addressing what or who created the problems in your life is the first step to fixing “issues.” Of course, there are consequences to ALL actions, but ignoring the truth YOU created derails all businesses, relationships, and friendships. And that is the biggest quandary people don’t want to confront- themselves.

Face yourself in the mirror. Do not cover it when you have mishandled some accounts in your life. Have people in your life HOLD the mirror when your hands tremble. Don’t coddle me or disguise my shortcomings. You’re setting me up for disaster, not greatness and I want to be great. How can I be productive if I can’t recognize what hurdles are in the foreground? That is the pivotal moment we need friends, family to hold us answerable. I can’t win nor can YOU without accountability.

People who choose to remain indifferent aren’t doing you any favors. I demand accountability. Those who refrain from holding the mirror (for themselves and you) create larger problems. Most people are afraid to have someone look at them critically and dig deeper and evaluate, but how do we progress in our careers, at our jobs? We have evaluations every six months to see where our strengths lie and our weaknesses – to determine what direction our focus needs to be so we can continually improve and not just remain stagnant. Why wouldn’t we apply the same principles to our lives? I refuse to deal or acknowledge people who can’t challenge themselves because in all honestly, how can they contribute to my greatness? They can’t. If they abstain from recognizing their own actions dealing with work, speech, behavior – then there isn’t much they can contribute to your life. Self-inflicting issues can only be ridden with accountability. You can not wallow about the changes happening in you life if you dodge refinement.

Having accountability is most certainly not the end of world, but an opening to a million possibilities. Be accountable. Cultivate in greatness. Make a difference. Stand up for what is right- because those who go left is not the side of the quest I want to be on.

What account have you managed today?

February 16, 2017 1

too cool for school.

Everyone has a different approach on how they show emotions. Some would say exhibiting too much emotion is a sign of weakness, I on the other hand have ALWAYS believed it takes an abundant amount of strength to actually reveal how you’re truly feeling. Masking emotions is not for everyone. I, for one can’t do it ALL. I inherited my father’s fury unibrow, that scrunches and gets low when I don’t understand something. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, I happen to wear them on my face. I have to catch myself most days when I’m making the “are you stupid?” face-or what my friends call, “the Fatima face.” I’m 100% sure that is my face 89.9% of the time.

I absolutely despise labels, yet at times I find myself using them for the sake of explaining certain situations. Who doesn’t want to be the cool guy, or the cool girl? They portray themselves as if they have no care in the world. They’re chill and nothing bothers them. Or so it seems.

Let me tell you what I learned about the cool guy and cool girl. Things bother them, they bottle up those emotions and eventually… POP goes the weasel. Communicating is extremely vital in ANY relationship you foster. In order to cultivate and strengthen existing relationships, and new ones, you MUST communicate at ALL times. And I admit talking seems like a chore most days, but without verbal and even non-verbal communication there isn’t much we can accomplish in any category of our life.

In relationships, I’m SO the cool girl. Nothing really bothers me. You don’t call for a couple of days, I’m cool – I’m entirely too busy in my own life to really notice. Plus being clingy is NOT my thing. Time and dedication should be given freely. They hang out with other friends – who are girls, I’m cool. What’s a relationship without trust anyways?

And I don’t even think I intentionally try to be the “cool girl.” I was cool with it all. Not because, I didn’t feel the need to communicate buried emotions, because relationships are so tricky. People give different, love different, and most importantly they communicate different. Just because he didn’t text me every second of the day didn’t mean he didn’t care. Just because my mother is more abrasive than other mothers, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me the same. My father is a man of very little words, but his actions leave an impact on me daily. So I’ve learned over the years, not to ask for much. I never intended to be the “cool girl.” My disposition always remains the same. So I continued to be patient, because I’d want the same in return.

But by labeling myself I did myself a disservice. Why can’t we be a little bit of everything? Matters don’t have to be so black and white. We attempt to fit ourselves into a box, when we want to. And others do the same when we act in a negative way, i.e if we do something “crazy” are we crazy? No.

I felt myself closing in, the wall I had built to protect myself was starting to cave in on me.

We often mimic the love we receive. He was so extremely chill, that I let my inner cool girl shine as well. I don’t think I was necessarily accommodating him as much as I was accommodating my own feelings. I could obviously never refrain from being passionate as he would say, so it wasn’t like I was changing or molding myself FOR HIM, but there was an element to my actions that tried to be collected at all times, to be in control of them. I guess it was never about him.

We build facades with the intent that when a person doesn’t give us what we want, we tell ourselves, “that’s alright, because I prepared myself for this” and if they do, then we hoped for it.(I wanted to be the strong girl.) But that’s the thing about building facades.. no one wins. My friend Candice literally ALWAYS tells me what she wants – a phone call from me, and because she matters to me, I give her that. That is how ALL relationships works. We actively make a choice EVERYDAY to nurture relationships we want. But remember, you can NOT ask for things you, yourself have difficulty providing.

Whether we keep our emotions bottled up or we scream the things we want, we’re not really treading properly. He never spoke up about what he wanted, and neither did I (for awhile) and we both lost.. and the kicker is – none of us were playing the game.

I wanted words of affirmation, and he wanted.. actually I’m still not sure what he wanted, but its a learning process right? I also recognize no matter how much I wanted words from him, until he was ready to give them, I would never get the conversation I so deeply longed for. So I walked away knowing for the first time, I didn’t have to be the cool girl.. or any girl for that matter. I could just be me, and I am composed of many elements. Collected, cool, crazy, but above all – loving.

February 7, 2017 0

Category: teatime with fatima